I Am Not A Scientist, I Am A Science Project
by EXPLODINGWEWILLGO
Summary: He was a subject for research. What happened to him couldn't be cared less for. Besides his mother of course...and his two almost friends/co-pilots. When he dies...exactly who is he?


**Just a one shot to get me closer to my goal of 100 stories. I've never written an Eva fic and I wanted to. So I sat and watched 1.11 and I came up with this very confusing idea. If nobody gets it, let me know and I'll do my best to explain what you don't get.**

**It's a lame little story, sure, oh well. I watched Black Swan so I wanted to try writing from a point of view that was from a person who was almost insane. So I made Kuzu!**

**I own nothing but Kuzu, Samantha, and Michelle. Sorry for any mistakes!**

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><p>The first thing I remember above anything else…was my 'birth'. My consciousness was already fully active before I even opened my eyes. And when I did I think I was blind for a moment, because all I saw was white.<p>

I blinked and then it all came into focus. All the lights and tubes and _people_.

"Subject is fully active."

I was just a subject…when I realized what that meant to them and to me…I think it hurt me, but only a little.

"He's so small."

Oh yes…when I was 'born' I was only as big as an average newborn. But I found out after at least a year I'd look the age I needed to be to be able to do what I was made for.

"That her hair color isn't it?"

"Yes, but that red spot…most of his bangs…that her all over."

"And those eyes."

Who were they talking about?

Being about the size of a newborn, I couldn't speak. I could think as well as any seven or eight year old. I know I know…it's a science thing I can't explain. I'm no scientist. I'm a science _project_.

I closed my eyes…I was tired.

* * *

><p>"This is stupid!"<p>

"It's needed research. If a pilot becomes inactive, that's where he comes in."

What was happening? Where am I? I opened my eyes to see white again.

"I still don't get how it works…"

"DNA is easily manipulated if you know how Misato."

Who was…Misato…?

Then there's a face…she has…yellow hair and she's wearing something red on her lips. Who is she? "He's curious." Her voice is nice…almost.

Then there's another face…her hair looks almost…purple it's so dark. She looks happy…nice. She's glad to see…me? "He's so cute!" She sounds nice…I like her.

"Misato…he's a pilot, not a toy."

So this is Misato…I like Misato. She looks at the woman with yellow hair. "He's a baby Ritsuko. I don't care about all that science crap, he's a baby." She looks at me and smiles again. I see her hands move towards me…I think she picked me up, because suddenly she's closer.

"Hi there, I'm Misato." She grins.

I felt my chest heave and some strange sound comes out of my mouth. She smiles more. "He's smiling! I could just squeeze him to death!"

I hoped she wouldn't, and she didn't…obviously.

"…Can I see?" The voice is soft…who is it?

"Oh…don't you think this is weird Ritsuko? I mean they're kids." Misato is talking softer.

The yellow haired lady talks again, her name is Ritsuko. "They don't know all that. All they know is that this boy may be working with them someday. It's a business trip."

"Where's the other one?"

"We're not sure. And the other two test subjects aren't finished yet. Maybe a few more months."

I am not a scientist…I am a science _project_.

"Alright…here you are." Misato moves, and then I see other faces. One has a…I know this…they were talking to me since I could hear and flashing pictures behind my eyes since I grew eyeballs in the sockets…it's…blue…her hair is blue. And her eyes are…red.

The other one has red hair and her eyes are…blue. Her face is scrunched. "He's small."

Am I?

"He is just a baby Asuka."

She makes another have and I feel my chest heave and something pulling my face. "Aww he's smiling again. He likes you." Misato…I think she's…laughing.

The girl Asuka looks surprised…shocked…they put too much in my brain…I'm just new. And then she smiles…almost.

"He needs a name." Misato says quietly. …Do I not have one…if she says I need one…I guess I don't.

"Why didn't you give him one?" The other girl talks.

"It wasn't really on our to-do list Rei."

Her name is Rei…Rei…and Asuka.

I want to be called something.

Asuka stares at me. "He looks like…a…hmm…Kuzu."

They were quiet until Misato made a funny sound. "Is that even a real name?"

"I dunno…but that's what he looks like."

Misato's face is in view again…she looks at me and I look back. "He does actually…real or not…Kuzu."

I am…Kuzu…Kuzu…Kuzu…

Kuzu

* * *

><p>Walking is hard! They should have done some programming thing where I already knew how to do this stuff!<p>

Seriously…they give me the mind of a teen but the habits of a real baby, which I am technically…I was only created about a month ago. I wasn't sure what body type to compare mine to too get a clear age idea.

Misato took me in. She told me to call her mom.

What's a mom?

Whatever it is I guess she must be good at it. Misato is very nice, she says she loves me…I don't understand what that means.

I don't have time to think more as I fall. Misato is kneeling a few feet away…I know she'll catch me if she thinks I'll hurt myself. "Come on." She encouraged. She knows all the details…she knows I can think almost as well as she can.

But I just don't understand some things…that was why I was here. Misato wouldn't let the people in the lab raise me. She said I'd understand better if I was 'normal'.

I am not a scientist. I am a science project.

I push my hands onto the floor and bend my knees. I'm back on my feet. …Learning to walk is…inconvenient.

"Come on Kuzu." I heard there were others like me…one was in a place called Germany…what was that? And another somewhere called…America…I didn't understand.

I huff as I lift one foot and move it forward; it makes a padding sound on the floor.

"Don't get irritated, you need to learn this." Misato shakes a finger at me. I can feel my face twist.

"Why?" I mumble.

"Walking isn't something you pick up…you learn it and you keep doing it."

"Why?"

"Because you can forget it…actually not forget…the muscles shrink and you can't walk anymore so you have to re-learn…it's complicated."

I huffed as I took another step.

"You make it over here and we'll have a snack, kay?" She smiles.

"Snack?" I repeat. I couldn't say all that much. It was so…annoying.

Misato laughed. "Yes a snack."

I took three more steps…stumbled…and fell forward. Misato's arms shot out and suddenly I felt weightless, but only for a moment.

I couldn't help that welling feeling inside my chest…it was like water that spilled over…and then I was laughing. As Misato swooped me up in her arm and into the air. I hung there…only a few inches from safe reach…but it felt…what's the word I want here,

It was…fun.

And when she caught me she turned, swinging me low and then raising me up and letting me go. I laughed again. "That fun?" Misato asks as she catches me and holds me securely to her chest. I nod, laughing still.

"Again. Again mama, again!" Nobody told me to say it that way…I couldn't tell you why I did…but it was nice to say. And Misato looked…so happy but also very sad. But then she smiled and then I was flying again.

Flying…flying…

* * *

><p>I was created six months ago. Mama said I looked almost six. How do people know what age looks like? I asked her once; she said 'You just know.'<p>

I knew a lot now…but everything was…a blur to me now.

All the information I still couldn't understand, or all the things I knew but just didn't get. It was…inconvenient.

I liked having a mom…I wish Misato was my real mom. When I mentioned it…she hugged me real tight and I think she cried. I was never sure why…I wasn't even sure if I had a mom. But I must…if I'm here…right?

No.

Yes.

…No.

* * *

><p>"What cha readin?" Mama is home again. I think she got a new job…I think we might have to move.<p>

I'm not sure how moving makes me feel. I don't know much about being here.

"Poetry." I answered easily.

"Ah, how dedicated you are." She sits beside me on the couch and flicks on the TV set. I was determined to learn more…I wanted to understand these confusing things in my life. Reading poetry may not help most people…but isn't it about emotion?

Her fingers pull through my growing powder blue hair and she plucks some of the red locks of my bangs before ruffling my hair into a mess. I fix it, huffing and she laughs. I put down my book and we watch a funny show.

I was never sure what it was called.

I never did see it again.

* * *

><p>It was almost a year ago now. I was tall…taller. The top of my head reached mama's elbow. She says soon we'll have to relocate so I can start.<p>

She didn't want to say, but I knew. The people she worked for wanted to start running tests on me…if I was able to do what they made me for. So be it. I was their subject…I'd show them exactly what I could do.

"Why don't I go to school mama?" I asked one day…I remember seeing boys and girls all in the same kinds of clothes going in the same direction. She told me they were going to school.

She squeezed my hand. "Because you learn faster than them. If you went to school it'd be a mess of trying to keep up with you. Once you reach a certain point though you'll be able to be taught."

Right now I just got scraps of things…math problems, reading projects, chemistry sets…I was always done with what I could learn from them in a week.

I squeezed her hand in return. We headed home.

"Did you finish your poetry books?"

"Yeah, they were really good."

"What was your favorite?"

"I liked The Raven…and Dante's Inferno."

"Dante's…that seems a bit adult Kuzu." It was a very long poem that I did struggle to understand here and there. And it was very adult for someone of my age…but the words that it used…I liked it.

"It was, but I liked it."

She hummed. "You understood it?"

"Not all of it. But I got the idea of it."

She laughed, I wasn't sure why. Maybe she was proud of me.

A few weeks after that I had reached my first year…I looked nine or ten…I was just below mama's shoulder. I knew so much more even in the few days that turned to weeks.

I was taken in to the place where mama worked now…soon we'd have to leave…

This place…this building…Nerv…I stared up at it…this place…its workers…they made me. In a sense they were my parents. Or rather…Nerv as a whole decided my creation…it was my 'father'…its little workers designed me and created me…they were my 'mother'.

No…

Yes.

No…Misato was my mother…Misato.

Misato…Misato…

I held her hand as we entered the building. I was a little scared, no maybe I was really scared. I felt much of something. And I flinched when those doors closed behind me.

My decent beckons while my ascent beckoned.

Down…down to the belly of the beast…where I was to be swallowed whole…no escape…ever.

Abandon hope…

* * *

><p>"It's your birthday Kuzu." Mama smiled at me. "It's all about you today." I was only a year old…only…only…only…<p>

It was all about me…I had no friends…Misato had no family to join us…it was just mama, Pen-Pen…and me.

And that was all I needed. I smiled as I looked at the cake…the candle flames flickering and spitting small sparks. I blew one out and it came back to life.

Trick candles.

I laughed and mama helped me blow them out, Pen-Pen tried to help…but it didn't go very well.

…Today was my birthday…and it was all about me.

Me…me…Kuzu…Kuzu…

I have no last name…

I occupied my time by eating the meal mama made and playing the video games with her on the game system she bought me.

* * *

><p>"Mama?"<p>

"Hmm?" She was at the counter…she was baking cookies…it was a week after my birthday.

"What's my last name?"

She paused. "Well…I suppose it's the same as mine. Kuzu Katsuragi…has a ring to it doesn't it?" She laughs.

I smile…I knew it wasn't official, but I knew she'd get it done.

. I was happy…I had a name.

Kuzu…Kuzu…Kuzu Katsuragi.

No…

Yes.

* * *

><p>Today we had to leave…I was two…mama was moving to a different center…Tokyo…I don't know.<p>

I've been training to be an Eva pilot should they need back up…the three main pilots.

I met the other three back-ups weeks ago. One was a boy from the north, in Europe. The other was from a secret Nerv base in America. The boy from Europe was short, we were the same age. His hair was dark and hung into his face.

The American was called Samantha. A blonde from a city called…New York I think. Her roots were dark…she said her hair grew like that. She was funny…she laughed a lot.

The boy…his name was…was…was…Michelle. Yes. Michelle.

Our Eva models were designed after our own body shape. They didn't have armor like the other ones. Mama said they had no armor because they were designed for short but powerful attacks. They had a sleek shiny looking covering. Glossy.

Mine was mixed between red and blue. It had five eyes. Two sets…and then one where the forehead would be…it was mine, just mine.

The older Eva pilots were less…mature. But Samantha wasn't exactly the picture you'd see in the dictionary beside the word discipline.

* * *

><p>Projects…we are projects. Our parents don't know they're our parents. Created merely for a research on Eva…We are back up.<p>

I found my parents were Asuka, Rei, and some DNA malfunction. I cannot explain.

Samantha's parents were two boys and another DNA malfunction. So not only was it Eva research but also human research on different ways of creating life.

Nobody was sure about Michelle's story, but Samantha and I are sure it's something with that boy whose far to timid. At first I actually thought he was a slowly developing female. Like Sam.

Then Michelle simply pointed out he was just a weakling who was prone to panic attacks. He said he saw him break down over small things.

That he was upset because his father wouldn't pay attention to him. Who honestly cared?

Mama always told me what Nerv was about was so much bigger than personal problems. He simply needed to learn to let things go.

I didn't care about what my parents thought. Not any of them besides Misato.

I am Kuzu…Kuzu…Kuzu…

Katsuragi.

I am not a scientist…I am a science _project_. I remembered that above all else the day I died.

My mama was dead, Sam and Michelle had gone to who-knows-where...most likely taken to a new lab for tests. The three other pilots...I neither knew nor cared. My mama was dead...the only family I had...

Even though I was just some project...she took me in and raised me as her own, called me her son...I was her whole world she'd tell me.

I am a science project...that's why I'm here...lying in a pool of my own gynetic designed blood and a mess of guts...I think they're mine.

No...no...

Yes.

Someone...someone who worked for the timid boy's father did this...I can't remember a face or if there was more than one. I can't really even remember any pain. But it must hurt if my insides are outside. There was probably something I could do to save myself...someone I could call or scream for.

But why bother...I'd already given this place my free will. That day of the tests where I'd gone to the belly of the beast with mama...I'd given up hope.

But now...now...now I had it again. This was like...like that story...

That story...

Swan...Swan...Swan...Swan Lake.

In death there's peace...isn't there?

And in death maybe I'd find everything I'd lost over the short time in my life.

I am just a project.

Just a project...a project...

No!

I am Kuzu. I am Kuzu. I am Kuzu...

Kuzu...Katuragi.

I'm my mother's son...

..._Kuzu_...


End file.
